inventory two: december edition

Blessing: our December world finally became a winter wonderland. Snow is so peaceful. It prompts me to be still. 

Oh how I have loved seeing my world in white. 

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Blessing: being home for the holidays. 

Having so many littles at home to be the center of our celebrations made this year especially fun. 

Grandma Susie gathered everyone in and around to reenact the Nativity Story our first night home, including Ryan's family. 

(sub-blessing: mine and Ryan's families are friends, our homes are within a mile of each other, and his littlest brothers play with my nieces and nephews. Hello, awesome)

Everyone loved it, except for the babe-wrapped-in-swaddling-clothes, Olivia. 

All she wanted was to sleep in heavenly peace. 

I love the story of our Savior's arrival into this world. I love that today children most often reenact the event. Nothing else better conveys that magnificence and majesty are found in simplicity. 

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Blessing: my baby girl is loved. 

And she is so happy. 

It is such a privilege to mother her...kisses to you, Olivia darling. 

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Blessing: my family here is an eternal one. The end.

We had the merriest Christmas and a beautiful year. 

I am bursting for what is to be.

Dear 2013, 

Be as good to us as your forbear, if you will.

I think that you will be, if not even more. 

You have incredible potential. 

Love the blessed, hopeful, and excited lady,

 Jeni

oh the irony

My teal paper-filled journal - the sole treasurer of our family's happenings as of late - has had repeat entries like this:

"Beauty day. I was finally ready at like, 4:00, and I checked off one item on my to-do list (even though my goal was to check the whole thing off and away). Whatev. Could be worse. We'll get scheduled again, and Olivia is gaining weight. All is well."

What else has an inexperienced mother have to say when the baby girl's schedule is unpredictable due to
A) Reflux - what did I eat this time??
B) Incoming teeth
C) The 45-minute nap intruder
D) I have no idea, really, so all of the above

I pick "D."

Lately I've just started the day with a plan of what I want to get done, and then I ride the waves of Olivia's needs. That means that in the end I spend a lot of time cooing and squawking, gargling and singing.

Sound enlightening, productive, and inspirational?

Not naturally.

However. This little girl is growing because of these most "insignificant" interactions and it's obvious that our friendship means everything to her. She trusts that I'll be there when she wakes up, and to be present until she drifts back to sleep. She relies on me entirely as she endeavors to develop, because what can she do for herself?

Do I grasp how much it means to her that I give her my time, how important it is that I am simply with her? I don't think so.

 If only she could really talk.

So, this motherhood job is turning me into a much more relaxed person. Never have I been so okay with just letting the day happen. I've been a strict scheduler of my personal life for ages. 

That said, as I am ever adjusting to this work, never have I been more efficient. The time I have to check of my to-do's when she naps - whether it be 45 minutes long or a blessed 2.5 hours - is oh so purposefully spent. Never have I showered, make-up'd, and tidied my house so fast. Never have I eaten my meals so swiftly. Never have I really, really tried to make my minutes count toward total productivity. 

I am Lady Easygoing and Mrs. Make-Things-Happen. Oh the irony.  

Oh, yes, the irony. This day-to-day work of caring for three-month-old Olivia is more fulfilling than anything I've ever done, and yet it's so very simple. 

Fact (however ironic it may be): the smallest of things in this life make the greatest, happiest differences. 

All is well.

hello, blog

Sorry for the neglect.

Promise it wasn't intentional. 

Olivia's perfect schedule went berserk the week after Thanksgiving, but she and I have worked things out, which is why I'm back. No, that perfect Baby Wise schedge hasn't returned to us, but we're working on it. Olivia may be getting teeth. That's all I need to say. 

Olivia is basically laughing now. Don't you love it? She does this gargle in the back of her throat, I gargle back, then we both smile, then we laugh. Three-month-old Olivia is my favorite so far. 

What the, three months? What happened during the last three months? Reflux, what? Sleepless nights, what? That time has flown. 

*Note: no, Olivia hasn't outgrown reflux (yet), and no, Olivia isn't sleeping through the night (yet)

Three months ago I was about to go into labor with this special delivery in tow...

and now here she is

and here she is smiling at her (not pictured, but also smiling) father 

 and here she is looking at her (totally smitten) mother 

Okay now here she is again smiling at her now-pictured father. 

P.S. Do I need to remind you that her father is incredible? Don't worry, I'll get back to you on that one soon.

So, we're alive, and oh so happy. 

The happiest, in fact. 

these simple words saved my bacon

Sometimes the simplest things make the biggest, happiest differences.

Olivia smiles at me and I cheer like I've just won Wimbledon - she's cognitively functioning and, better yet, she likes me.

I make a real meal for dinner and mine and Ryan's bodies give a cheer - finally something more than eggs on toast.

Exercising, showering, and getting fully dressed (the icing on the cake!) all before my baby wakes up from her morning nap - that's worth a whole cheer routine because those productive mornings are awesome.

About three weeks ago, my mother-in-law introduced me to this special on Oprah whose message is one of the most simple out there: learn the tiny words your babe is using to speak to you, and then rejoice that you two can communicate.

I was a little skeptical at the theory, but, I cannot tell a lie - it's true! The simple baby words this amazing lady teaches in this video work when working with your little one.

I initially watched this about six times in a row to really understand the sounds she teaches, and the rest of my day was more than enlightening, if not a little overwhelming. That day Olivia had super burps - all I heard all day was "Eh! Eh! Eh!/ Burp me! Burp me! Burp me!" - but at least I knew what she wanted.

Now that I speak her language, Olivia really thinks that I'm awesome. Our days have been much much smoother since I've better realized what she needs. 

Motherhood - sure makes you appreciate the simplicities of life like this, eh? 

Enjoy!

inventory one

"As I have reviewed the past 49 years, I have made some discoveries. One is that countless experiences I have had were not necessarily those one would consider extraordinary. In fact, at the time they transpired, they often seemed unremarkable and even ordinary. And yet in retrospect, they enriched and blessed lives - not the least of which was my own.

I would recommend this same exercise to you - namely, that you take an inventory of your life and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, you have received."

- Thomas S. Monson

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Blessing: my new best friend.

She's hilarious.

And she sings with me. 

I love being with Olivia.

Olivia has worked on me - I am her improvement project here. Do you know what she did? She melted my heart and reshaped it. She made it bigger so that it has more room to be loved and to love back.

Best friends are those that make you better people, aren't they? Knowing that, there is no doubt that Olivia is already one of my dearest, best friends.

What will she do next, I wonder, to this woman? One thing is certain - that angel will do more for me than I ever will for her.

Olivia is beautiful, and I am thrilled to be her mother.

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Blessing: I like my office. 

It's neither large nor luxurious, and sometimes it subs as my laundry room when I hang my clothes to dry in its closet. But it's bright and cozy. We don't need much more than what it offers. 

please forgive my amateur photo taking and editing skills :)

Spending most of my days at home with my darling would be much harder if I didn't like it here, so I'm grateful for everything that our home is, particularly Olivia's room. 

Grateful for comfy furniture. Grateful for fake flowers and paper garland. Grateful for bright colors and a window's light. 

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Blessing: I am a married mother. 

I hear that a large number of women these days have to mother without having a husband to help. I ache for them. Really, I do. It hurts to think about doing the daily, 24-hour grind of mothering all alone...it is so not easy.

Ryan listens to me when I worry that I may not be strong enough for this - I would be a fraud of a mother if I pretended that I don't feel that way at times. But when I finish my teary thoughts, he reminds me that I am. He kisses my forehead, and "You are beautiful," he says.

And I keep going. 

There isn't a sweeter father and there isn't a better husband - there isn't for Olivia and me, at least. My gratitude stretches to the moon and back that he is eternally mine. 

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Inventory one - done. 

But due to the nature of my life, there are many more to come.

giving some thanks

I love November. 

My Grandpa Gubler turns one year older each November. This year he turned 80 and all the family gathered to celebrate. 

My grandpa and grandma are darling. There are more than a few pictures through the years of my Grandma flashing a beautiful smile while my Grandpa looks down at her (literally) with doting eyes. He is a cattle man, and she wears pearls while she cooks and cleans. They are the perfect pair. 

Emily was called on a mission this November (wish I had my own picture of it!). She's off to New York City in just two months. Aunt Em is leaving Olivia and me with huge shoes to fill, as she is the only daughter in that family of eight. But, clearly, our darling babe will do a good job of filling at least part of the girl-void that Em will leave behind. 

The Awerkamps loved on Olivia. I think "babies" and "love" are the same thing to all of them - evidenced by their family of eight children, and in the desire of Ryan, BJ, and Emily, at least, to have large families of their own. Olivia loved their attention. She jabbed and jabbed as they ooed and ahhed at her and petted her. She was in heaven!

November also brings my older brother, Shandon, a birthday. To celebrate, we ate pancakes with buttermilk syrup in his honor, and he specially feasted on the red birthday plate while drinking a zuka-made-by-dad in the red birthday cup. That's tradition. 

There's no one on earth quite like Shandon. He is smart and so hardworking. We went around the table and said what we love about him, and my dad couldn't stop talking about the "Mr. Fix-it" and "Mr. Builder" that Shandon has always been. No wonder he is studying to become a master builder of homes...I'm so impressed with his desire to fulfill a dream and to do so in the best way he can. 

Shandon is the genius behind our family's themed parties each holiday season (i.e. Ugly Stache & Sweater Party & Redneck Party) because Shandon is funny. I love his made-up words and his ballads for TJ - I often hear him singing his own welcome home song to TJ boy across the way as the day ends. I love my brother! He is a wonderful father, brother, and friend. 

This November also brought us Olivia's first bath! 

Okay big jk. Olivia has been bathed every day of her life on earth thus far.

These pics just show that I got to be in my sweet mother's presence again over the weekend as I took care of my baby. Oh how I love seeing my mom's hands around her little body. Olivia feels as safe and happy in them as I do - she told me so :) 

Cheers to this blessed month of November! I have felt a new and improved type of gratitude growing in my heart throughout its days so far. 

I am so grateful for family - they mean everything to me. Becoming a little mama myself has helped me turn and see more clearly how much my family has done in making me "me," and for that, I give a little praise to my every aunt, grandparent, cousin, uncle, brother, sister, and to my mother and father:  you're all wonderful, do you know it?

Grazie. Merci. Danke. 

Thanks.

dear ms. time

Dear Ms. Time,

Olivia's button nose - I've noticed that it has moved a bit. Now it's fastened a little lower down her face because the bridge of her nose has lengthened. 

Olivia's legs - now they have four rolls on each one of them. I have to try a little harder to clean her up with diaper changes. 

My darling feels heavier. 

Olivia's clothes - they're being switched around. Some "nb's" are gone and unfamiliar "3's" have replaced them. 

Olivia's eyes - their color is deep blue. They were once just dark, and her eyelids were thick and full surrounding them. 

Ms. Time, what are you doing? My darling and I just met, and yet you've already made my moments with her foggy. You are whizzing around us, speeding up ahead, and leaving me - her mother - behind in a blur. 

You must not be a mother, Ms. Time, otherwise you would pity me, and you would slow down a bit. Just show me some mercy when she is really old, when she is going to move out and move on. Slow down then and make our moments together long, because right now they're already too short.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jeni, the young lady that will cradle her baby for as long as you will allow

the dad and his dolly

He runs through the door and looks for her. Is she in her bassinet, where he left her earlier? He finds her, picks her up, and squeezes her tight because it's been so long. It's been since like, 8:00 in the morning.

He talks to her, wipes up her cheeks when needed, changes her diapers, gives her baths, swings her around the room in his arms, and swaddles her in blankets.

He is a dad with his own little dolly and he is in heaven.

Ryan has wanted a babe of his own for quite some time now. We were once in a pretty serious conversation soon after he returned from Spain and I from Israel - I asked him, "Okay, so what was the hardest part of your mission?"

"Hmm..." he paused, sincerely thinking the whole two years through. "I couldn't hold babies."

Ryan teases me that we are going to have 10 children because he loves babies so. I quickly and seriously reply that we are only having three because growing a child takes. so. long. (the growing part, I've learned, really starts after the birth and it lasts for...um, forever). But, honestly, with a husband and father like Ryan, we really would make it - me and that bus load of children...(but for real, Ryan, we're not having ten!)

Last Sunday he loved on Olivia all day. As he did, I made us a real dinner, I did all the dishes, and I admired them from a close distance.

When Olivia was ready for her siesta I heard him tell her, "Okay let's go take a nap together, Olivia! I've wanted to do this all week."

After the back rooms were quiet for some time, I stopped doing the dishes and went to see what was going on. I came upon them as so, the bedroom light still on because there was no time to switch it before sleep came to them both. I didn't think that Olivia would go through with it, but the darling little dolly did and her dad was so happy. Dream come true right there.

I love this little friendship - this bond that has already forged between the tiny, little daughter and the big, strong father. Ryan loves Olivia, and Olivia loves him back. I can see it when she turns her head toward his voice upon his entrance to the room, eyes focused and ears intent on listening to him. Watching my husband father our sweet daughter has been a very sweet part of this transition for me. That true love that he has for her is in his eyes, it's in his smile...seeing it brings me the greatest peace. 

And I think it brings her the greatest happiness. Yep, that dolly loves her dad.

weeks 4 & 5

I am really, really grateful for hard days, nights, and even weeks - once they're over and I am one step away looking back at them from a distance. They add a lovely contrast to the light in my life, making the bright places stand out even more. 

Weeks 4 & 5: they have been wonderful - still hard at times, but wonderful. 

Olivia and I went running just twice. The weather was perfect and I couldn't resist because the cold is coming. Running with my baby's weight in the stroller instead of in my stomach was exhilarating - I felt like sprinting - and so I sprinted. 

Note: my short legs don't sprint, actually, but sometimes it's fun to pretend. 

I went crazy with a camera one day during Olivia's "wake time." How I love those baby faces. Sometimes I wonder if she ever feels out of control, all those muscles moving so spontaneously. Her arms and legs are the best - leg jerk here, fist pump there, squirms all around. As I watch her I wish I could remember what feeling is like for the first time, so that we had more to goo and gaa about. Luckily we have the sweetest eye contact and I swear she smiles back at me...

Olivia watched Ryan as Ryan watched the debate. 

My dear daughter, do you understand the potential you have for greatness? Look at those legs. They're in your genes, girl. You're already showing signs of being long and lean - your fingers and feet - they are long! They are just like Daddy's.

P.S. So glad you already adore him.

The contrasting stroke of the fifth week: getting mastitis. Yep. That mama right there is just half of the image of nastiness, thanks to antibiotics. 

The surrounding strokes of light: Olivia is healthy, she loves bath time, and she smells of Johnson & Johnson baby lotion every night (the most heavenly scent). 

Yesterday evening we walked to the temple to soak up more of fall before it completely fades. Can I just say that I'm so glad she is with me?...it's been nice to have someone with me to enjoy every part of every day. She listens to me think out loud, cry out loud, and sing out loud. I'm keeping her. For eternity.

 Dark shades amidst the light - it really is part of the beauty.

All is well.