oh the irony

My teal paper-filled journal - the sole treasurer of our family's happenings as of late - has had repeat entries like this:

"Beauty day. I was finally ready at like, 4:00, and I checked off one item on my to-do list (even though my goal was to check the whole thing off and away). Whatev. Could be worse. We'll get scheduled again, and Olivia is gaining weight. All is well."

What else has an inexperienced mother have to say when the baby girl's schedule is unpredictable due to
A) Reflux - what did I eat this time??
B) Incoming teeth
C) The 45-minute nap intruder
D) I have no idea, really, so all of the above

I pick "D."

Lately I've just started the day with a plan of what I want to get done, and then I ride the waves of Olivia's needs. That means that in the end I spend a lot of time cooing and squawking, gargling and singing.

Sound enlightening, productive, and inspirational?

Not naturally.

However. This little girl is growing because of these most "insignificant" interactions and it's obvious that our friendship means everything to her. She trusts that I'll be there when she wakes up, and to be present until she drifts back to sleep. She relies on me entirely as she endeavors to develop, because what can she do for herself?

Do I grasp how much it means to her that I give her my time, how important it is that I am simply with her? I don't think so.

 If only she could really talk.

So, this motherhood job is turning me into a much more relaxed person. Never have I been so okay with just letting the day happen. I've been a strict scheduler of my personal life for ages. 

That said, as I am ever adjusting to this work, never have I been more efficient. The time I have to check of my to-do's when she naps - whether it be 45 minutes long or a blessed 2.5 hours - is oh so purposefully spent. Never have I showered, make-up'd, and tidied my house so fast. Never have I eaten my meals so swiftly. Never have I really, really tried to make my minutes count toward total productivity. 

I am Lady Easygoing and Mrs. Make-Things-Happen. Oh the irony.  

Oh, yes, the irony. This day-to-day work of caring for three-month-old Olivia is more fulfilling than anything I've ever done, and yet it's so very simple. 

Fact (however ironic it may be): the smallest of things in this life make the greatest, happiest differences. 

All is well.

these simple words saved my bacon

Sometimes the simplest things make the biggest, happiest differences.

Olivia smiles at me and I cheer like I've just won Wimbledon - she's cognitively functioning and, better yet, she likes me.

I make a real meal for dinner and mine and Ryan's bodies give a cheer - finally something more than eggs on toast.

Exercising, showering, and getting fully dressed (the icing on the cake!) all before my baby wakes up from her morning nap - that's worth a whole cheer routine because those productive mornings are awesome.

About three weeks ago, my mother-in-law introduced me to this special on Oprah whose message is one of the most simple out there: learn the tiny words your babe is using to speak to you, and then rejoice that you two can communicate.

I was a little skeptical at the theory, but, I cannot tell a lie - it's true! The simple baby words this amazing lady teaches in this video work when working with your little one.

I initially watched this about six times in a row to really understand the sounds she teaches, and the rest of my day was more than enlightening, if not a little overwhelming. That day Olivia had super burps - all I heard all day was "Eh! Eh! Eh!/ Burp me! Burp me! Burp me!" - but at least I knew what she wanted.

Now that I speak her language, Olivia really thinks that I'm awesome. Our days have been much much smoother since I've better realized what she needs. 

Motherhood - sure makes you appreciate the simplicities of life like this, eh? 

Enjoy!

dear ms. time

Dear Ms. Time,

Olivia's button nose - I've noticed that it has moved a bit. Now it's fastened a little lower down her face because the bridge of her nose has lengthened. 

Olivia's legs - now they have four rolls on each one of them. I have to try a little harder to clean her up with diaper changes. 

My darling feels heavier. 

Olivia's clothes - they're being switched around. Some "nb's" are gone and unfamiliar "3's" have replaced them. 

Olivia's eyes - their color is deep blue. They were once just dark, and her eyelids were thick and full surrounding them. 

Ms. Time, what are you doing? My darling and I just met, and yet you've already made my moments with her foggy. You are whizzing around us, speeding up ahead, and leaving me - her mother - behind in a blur. 

You must not be a mother, Ms. Time, otherwise you would pity me, and you would slow down a bit. Just show me some mercy when she is really old, when she is going to move out and move on. Slow down then and make our moments together long, because right now they're already too short.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jeni, the young lady that will cradle her baby for as long as you will allow

week 2

Don't worry, although Olivia and I are all dressed up for church (you can't see her darling dress in that bundle), she and I stayed home. You kind of crave normalcy after being pregnant for nine months and then giving birth...although homebound, I had to do something to make it feel like the Sabbath. 

Week 2: stretching, yet still so sweet, and kind of long

Remember how my angel mother left right as week two began? Clearly I didn't really know what I was doing when she left - all those yellow-stained onesies from blow-outs were air-dyring, because (apparently), I didn't know how to really secure a diaper for a few days. Bless my heart. 

During weeks two Olivia slept a lot, so 1) I took more naps and 2) I learned more about patience as I nursed a lot. Thankfully Olivia is a natural at nursing and burping (that's a real compliment to a babe, believe me) when she feels well. However when she doesn't...

At the beginning of Olivia's second week she started to get real fussy. I was told that all little babes are like that - tears, squirming, and even projectile spit-up. So I tried to grit my teeth and bear through some really long hours of nursing and crying...but when everything I knew to do wasn't working, things got ugly. It was apparent that it was hurting Olivia to eat. I assumed she had mega bubbles, so what did we do? We burped for literally 1.5 hours straight after eating. After a full week of this, and too much spitting up for a baby, I learned that my darling has a reflux - something in my milk was giving her mega heartburn. 

Helping infants get over reflux mostly comes from changing your diet, so that your breast milk won't give them heartburn. Thus, heeding the advice of two doctors, I eliminated gluten (so wheat, oats, etc.), egg yolks, peanuts, dairy, and chocolate during week two, and I won't eat them for...? Not sure yet. Probably at least for the next few months. 

Ouch. The wheat part killed me. Sliced bread is one of the best things that ever happened to me as a hungry pregnant and nursing woman - it was my "go to" food right before a feeding, right after a midnight feeding, and every other time I needed to eat asap. And, honestly, I really like wheat bread, so this instantaneous change to my diet was kind of hard to swallow. 

Yes, week two was marked with some stress and sadness for me, I cannot tell a lie. In the middle of working at how to take care of Olivia totally on my own, I also had to figure out this way new diet change. A few good souls could sense my stress, even though they didn't know about everything I was going through. One was my dear Marilee - she ran to my rescue one night with a perfect salad bar for dinner. An unknown neighbor of ours in Wymountland "heart attacked" our door with the kindest note of congratulations and encouragement. I felt supported in simple ways, and that did so much for my morale. 

And, of course, my Wonderful came to aid time and time again. Ryan had reason to be even more stressed than me, as he was learning how to balance fatherhood, husbandhood, employeehood, and studenthood, but he kept it together and helped me along. Bless him for forever.  

Example A: Olivia's first doctor's appointment which ended up being so tiring and embarrassing for me. My baby girl decided that having a real long meal right after her check-up was appropriate, but the nurses in the office did not agree when, one hour after our appointment, we were still nursing in the exam room...

But I came home to this, and I cried all about it because it was exactly what I needed:

How did he know I was so stressed after that appointment? How did he know that I was starving? How is he so perfect for me?

I know my Wonderful loves me a lot, but I love him more. Promise.

Even though week two was a little rough, it was still rewarding. I mean, please, despite the struggles, how could I not fall into love over and over again with my new job when I see my "finished product" - my sleeping babe - even though every feeding was so sad?

My sleeping, growing, peaceful babe...oh how I love those saggy sleeping cheeks and that perfect nose buttoned in between them!

Despite wanting to jump back into normal life  - sharing Olivia with our friends, for example, via the social media world and house visits - I was exhausted and I took almost every nap of hers to also sleep. While I'm positive I didn't look as cute as her while I napped, I'm sure we were dreaming of the same things: nursing, creamy milk, burp cloths, spit up, bubbles, burping, yawning, sleeping, nursing, creamy milke, burp cloths, spit up, bubbles, burping, yawning, sleeping, nursing, and of each other, most of all. 

26 days

I have been changing diapers for 26 days now. They're tiny diapers, that when all wrapped up, resemble squishy, disfigured balls. They're pretty cute.

Never thought I would consider a diaper to be "cute," but hey, I'm now a mother.

And I can hardly wrap my mind around that fact. During these last 26 days, my heart has felt the biggest mixture of emotions yet of its young life. Giving birth to Olivia - the grand finale of her gaining a body - was the hardest test of my physical strength that I have yet endured, and it was the most elevating, sweet experience that my spirit has yet felt.

Then, after that fleeting moment of welcoming new life into the world, I really became "mother" and the nurturing began. Day-by-day I have felt more and more that caring for my daughter's tiny body which houses her very big spirit is an honorable work. And yet, day-by-day, I have realized that this job is work. By "work" I don't mean that it's super hard to change eight diapers a day, or that laundering newborn clothes and burp cloths all week long is just so hard, because it's not. Thus far I have learned that the hard work of motherhood lies within the constant, endless, infinite demand to love.

That is the irony I've discovered in my short 26 days as mother: it is so easy to love your child incredibly much - I love Olivia to the point of bursting! - and yet that kind of all-encompassing, selfless, constant love has to be refueled. So the effort it takes to keep that unique type of love is the hard work. I pray for this love daily, and then I have to choose to be motivated by this love daily, because I have learned it really doesn't come to me that naturally. Mother Jeni is not always oh so patient, happy, and positive. Nope, not at all. I've cried just as many tears of frustration as I have tears of joy about all of this. But in the attempts I am making to meet my new demands with love, something beautiful is happening. My heart is changing for the better, and I am becoming (cannot emphasize the "becoming" part enough!) more like my sweetest Olivia: submissive, meek, willing to be taught, accepting of help, and eager to love without reserve.

Isn't she lovely?...just a few pictures from today on a whim - she was too darling after her diaper change to not capture. 

Yes, and my heart bursts for her more today than it did yesterday, and its capacity to perfectly love tomorrow will be even greater. I just know it.

Thank you, angel daughter, for helping me learn how to be a much better wife, sister, daughter, and friend by letting me be your mother.

xoxo for eternity, darling.