week 3, as told by Olivia

Week 3: even harder, longer, and sweeter than week two. Serious.

Olivia tells all in this letter she wrote to her Uncle Nick on Sunday, October 14 - he is a missionary in Germany. Her mother swears that she had nothing to do with this. 

Hello Uncle Nick!

This is Olivia. I'm sending you this message from the hospital, because I've had to stay here for a couple of days. It's been a party, let me tell you! 

We came because my stomach has felt terrible, and my whole body has been hurting. The doctors say I've had a virus. Having a virus made me weak and tired, so I didn't like eating for a few days. Also, for two weeks, hot, burning acid has come up my throat when I eat and I hate it. I hate it so much that I scream and cry about it. A lot. That means that my mom and dad hate the hot, burning acid problem, too, especially since I don't eat very much because of it. We've all just been feeling kind of sick about my sadness. My mom actually has cried about it more than I have.

On Saturday morning, mom and dad first took me to see the doctor, and he told us to go to the hospital so that I could have an IV (I was soo hungry and thirsty!), and the nurses needed to take some tests done on my blood, just in case I had a real big problem. After the nurses poked me a lot in my arm, my hand, and even my foot to give me an IV, I became very, very weak. My olive skin turned almost white, and I wouldn't even move a muscle (mother was terrified), so Dad and Uncle Adam gave me a priesthood blessing and that really helped me - I started to eat again! Also, everybody in the whole world was praying for me, so that's probably why I started to get better, too. And my mom - she even had a blessing. She was fatigued because I wasn't eating and sleeping well, and she cried so much when I slowly stopped moving that she felt sick, too. But now she has more energy to take care of me, and she is so happy again! Mom and me - we're big fans of the priesthood. I'm sure you're blessing the Germans with it, too. Thanks for honoring your gift. You rock. 

So after I took all the tests (tests are hard!), all the doctors said that there isn't anything nasty growing inside of me, but they gave me some medicine to kill any germs, and I started to eat better. Then I started to eat even better because mom started to feed me better! This really amazing nurse taught my mom some tricks about feeding a baby like me - one that has to deal with the hot, burning acid in their throat. Mom cried like, tons of tears of joy because she fed me in 20 minutes and I didn't even cry or spit up. Not once. Hallelujah.  

So, that's all. Tomorrow we're going back to our house. We're really grateful for the help we had here. My dad and mom are especially thankful to my aunts and uncles that came to take care of us - they were really, really nice to us. 

Can't wait to sleep in my own bed and to look around at my own home with my big, blue eyes! And now that I feel better, I'm going to eat wayy more. Yep, Mom and I are going to really have a good time together now. 

Sie sind ein guter Onkel. Why are you surprised that I know German? I'm an angel - I have the gift of tongues.

You're a great uncle and I love you. See you in about a year. Don't worry, I'll still be just as darling when we meet face-to-face. 

xoxo

Olivia

P.S. This is dad and me the night we got home. Of course dad just wanted to snuggle with me without any IV and monitor cords attached. He's kind of obsessed with me and I adore him. We're best friends. 

Okay that's all. See ya! Bye!

week 1

Hello, darling baby.

Hello, perfection.

Hello, to Olivia's first nap in the bassinet, fresh from the hospital.

Week 1: it was blissful, heavenly, and fast. 

Upon coming home, Ryan and I both felt that we wanted to detach from the world a bit to maintain the sweet feelings that we had with Olivia's arrival. We so badly wanted to make our first days as a family together just ours. Yes, we did have wonderful family members in and out and all about, but as far as sharing our first week with the social media world goes...there was so little of it. And, call me selfish, but I didn't mind one bit.

Olivia's perfection definitely made up most of the peaceful feelings we had that week, but we had another angel in our midst during those days: my mother.

I loved this part about the transition to motherhood that I experienced both in that first week and in the days since: when my own angel mother came to be with us, I re-learned what it was like to be her daughter all over again.

My dear mom loved me as much as I loved Olivia in those moments of becoming a nurturer. She stopped my tears of ignorance by teaching me how to care for our a small baby. She stayed awake with me at night as Olivia nursed, and we talked talked talked about all that is good in life.

She cooked for us, she cleaned for us, she cared for us. She looked at our little apartment and, waving her magic wand, she reorganized my kitchen and made the whole apartment sparkling clean. She bought us salmon and quiona. She told me every day, "You were born for such a time as this! So stop the stress - it'll do stuff to your milk supply." She greeted each day by opening the front curtains singing, "Good morning Pro-vo, Utah!" to the tune of Hairspray's "Good Morning Baltimore," and I still hear her voice echo around the room when I glance at that window.

She was a breath of fresh air in every way, and I missed her terribly the very second she drove away from us. Tears upon tears fell even before she left as I thought about her comfort having to go...but! She calls me, and I call her, and still today, just hearing her voice causes heaven to return to my heart, and I remember this: I was born for such a time as this.

In the few days we had together, Mom gave me a crash course in Baby 101 - from bathing, to burping, to nursing - she was the perfect teacher and I love her. Enough said. 

Olivia loves her, too. Clearly.

Then my Grandma and Grandpa Burr came (sadly, to take my mother home), but for a moment we had the Queen of Babies herself in our home - Grandma Burr. My grandma is one of the most perfect women I know, especially when it comes to loving little babies. Oh and in loving us big babies - she brought me her homemade wheat bread (my favorite) with two jars of jam. Priceless. 

Then there was Ryan that first week - totally clingy to his sweet babe - which, honestly, didn't change during weeks two, three, and four. 

Ryan displayed his unique, undeterred desire to be close to Olivia in an unforgettable way one particular night. I was in the bathroom when I saw him tiptoeing with Olivia's bassinet mattress in hand, blankets cascading from its sides, en route to our bedroom. I didn't see, initially, that Olivia was also a top the mattress but when I realized what was going on... 

"Ryan what are you doing??" His head shot to the side - he was a kid caught on Christmas morning sneaking presents. 

"Um I just want to snuggle with her..." 

'Okay,' I thought, 'you're cute and everything you do is perfect. I'm not even made about it.' 

So with her mattress on ours, Olivia's father - oh so in love - curled up next to her and he sat, stared, and snuggled. Dream come true for that guy. 

Before I could blink, Olivia was one week old, my mother had left, and the beautiful, hard work of nurturing that girl only increased in pace. Yes, by day seven I grasped that my duties as her mother were never going to find closure (a reality check that came with plenty of I'm-so-overwhelmed-I-might-die tears) but, truly...what a blessing it is to finally inherit this role of motherhood! My angel girl will always be with me, always and forever teaching me how to "be."

26 days

I have been changing diapers for 26 days now. They're tiny diapers, that when all wrapped up, resemble squishy, disfigured balls. They're pretty cute.

Never thought I would consider a diaper to be "cute," but hey, I'm now a mother.

And I can hardly wrap my mind around that fact. During these last 26 days, my heart has felt the biggest mixture of emotions yet of its young life. Giving birth to Olivia - the grand finale of her gaining a body - was the hardest test of my physical strength that I have yet endured, and it was the most elevating, sweet experience that my spirit has yet felt.

Then, after that fleeting moment of welcoming new life into the world, I really became "mother" and the nurturing began. Day-by-day I have felt more and more that caring for my daughter's tiny body which houses her very big spirit is an honorable work. And yet, day-by-day, I have realized that this job is work. By "work" I don't mean that it's super hard to change eight diapers a day, or that laundering newborn clothes and burp cloths all week long is just so hard, because it's not. Thus far I have learned that the hard work of motherhood lies within the constant, endless, infinite demand to love.

That is the irony I've discovered in my short 26 days as mother: it is so easy to love your child incredibly much - I love Olivia to the point of bursting! - and yet that kind of all-encompassing, selfless, constant love has to be refueled. So the effort it takes to keep that unique type of love is the hard work. I pray for this love daily, and then I have to choose to be motivated by this love daily, because I have learned it really doesn't come to me that naturally. Mother Jeni is not always oh so patient, happy, and positive. Nope, not at all. I've cried just as many tears of frustration as I have tears of joy about all of this. But in the attempts I am making to meet my new demands with love, something beautiful is happening. My heart is changing for the better, and I am becoming (cannot emphasize the "becoming" part enough!) more like my sweetest Olivia: submissive, meek, willing to be taught, accepting of help, and eager to love without reserve.

Isn't she lovely?...just a few pictures from today on a whim - she was too darling after her diaper change to not capture. 

Yes, and my heart bursts for her more today than it did yesterday, and its capacity to perfectly love tomorrow will be even greater. I just know it.

Thank you, angel daughter, for helping me learn how to be a much better wife, sister, daughter, and friend by letting me be your mother.

xoxo for eternity, darling. 

flooding Santa Clara again...

Every time I talk to my mom she is happier. She has more stories about more people that have helped our family so selflessly. She is more whole. And it appears that most of the flooded families on Vineyard Drive in Santa Clara are feeling the same: a little more recovered, a little more relieved.

While that's true - recovery is happening - this is just the beginning.

Yes, amazing progress has been made with cleaning up the muddy mess left by the flood, but more than a few families face literal reconstruction of the majority of their homes. And most, left with so little financially, are feeling truly devastated.

Thinking about the dire circumstances of these people makes me feel guilty for just sharing my parents' story, whose situation is quite hopeful when compared to others' dismal situations.

Example A: my parents still have room in their home for comfortable living, but the children of a neighboring family down the street are staying in a camper parked in their front yard because their small basement - now totally destroyed - is where they slept. Those children will most likely be in that camper through the pending fall and winter...they may easily be there until reconstruction of their home can occur, and their parents don't know when that can happen.

Example B: some families' homes have been entirely condemned. Complete demolition of their old homes is required and building an entirely new home is necessary. Can you imagine being required to build a home without having any financial reserve or preparation to do so? The thought alone is so overwhelming...

Federal relief cannot come to these people - the magnitude of the devastation isn't quite wide enough - and yet they don't have the financial resources to recover. That is why a few beloved, good hearts have taken action in creating this outlet for anyone, anywhere, to help take the weight off the shoulders of so many nearly homeless fathers, mothers, elderly couples, and children:

FLOOD THE LOVE

The "Flood the Love" venture has taken hours of work in organizing, and it has so much potential to be successful. The goal of making $10,000 for the affected families is more than achievable! 

Since realizing how needy these families are, I have thought multiple times, "What if that happened to Ryan and me - and Olivia and three other children?"...and then my heart hurts too much to not give something. The fear in the hearts of these parents is more than real: they need help. 

Personally, I donated online through their website via the PayPal link on the right-hand side of the webpage. Ryan and I may be currently counting our own pennies, but if he and I needed help giving our little daughter a safe place to live, I would welcome - so gratefully - any assistance from another. 

I believe that is innate within all of us to do good. I believe that it is intrinsic to human nature to help someone that is sorrowing find solace. While the focus of this recent message from Elder David A. Bednar is on discerning light from Heavenly Father, a single phrase that he says in it has been on my mind all week long as I have heard story upon story about people who have helped the flood victims: 

"Everything that invites us and entices us to do good comes from God." 

As I have seen so many doing good to those in need in Santa Clara - particularly now through the financial relief, like "Flood the Love" - I more firmly believe that there is true goodness in our hearts, and that goodness comes from our living Heavenly Father. I also know that when we respond to God's guiding light to lift His children, He gives us what we need in return through another one of His Sons, Jesus Christ.

So give a little, and for doing so, expect more than a little in return from our Father in Heaven that loves us all deeply...more than we will ever ever grasp.

Flood the Love!