I have been changing diapers for 26 days now. They're tiny diapers, that when all wrapped up, resemble squishy, disfigured balls. They're pretty cute.
Never thought I would consider a diaper to be "cute," but hey, I'm now a mother.
And I can hardly wrap my mind around that fact. During these last 26 days, my heart has felt the biggest mixture of emotions yet of its young life. Giving birth to Olivia - the grand finale of her gaining a body - was the hardest test of my physical strength that I have yet endured, and it was the most elevating, sweet experience that my spirit has yet felt.
Then, after that fleeting moment of welcoming new life into the world, I really became "mother" and the nurturing began. Day-by-day I have felt more and more that caring for my daughter's tiny body which houses her very big spirit is an honorable work. And yet, day-by-day, I have realized that this job is work. By "work" I don't mean that it's super hard to change eight diapers a day, or that laundering newborn clothes and burp cloths all week long is just so hard, because it's not. Thus far I have learned that the hard work of motherhood lies within the constant, endless, infinite demand to love.
That is the irony I've discovered in my short 26 days as mother: it is so easy to love your child incredibly much - I love Olivia to the point of bursting! - and yet that kind of all-encompassing, selfless, constant love has to be refueled. So the effort it takes to keep that unique type of love is the hard work. I pray for this love daily, and then I have to choose to be motivated by this love daily, because I have learned it really doesn't come to me that naturally. Mother Jeni is not always oh so patient, happy, and positive. Nope, not at all. I've cried just as many tears of frustration as I have tears of joy about all of this. But in the attempts I am making to meet my new demands with love, something beautiful is happening. My heart is changing for the better, and I am becoming (cannot emphasize the "becoming" part enough!) more like my sweetest Olivia: submissive, meek, willing to be taught, accepting of help, and eager to love without reserve.
Isn't she lovely?...just a few pictures from today on a whim - she was too darling after her diaper change to not capture.
Yes, and my heart bursts for her more today than it did yesterday, and its capacity to perfectly love tomorrow will be even greater. I just know it.
Thank you, angel daughter, for helping me learn how to be a much better wife, sister, daughter, and friend by letting me be your mother.
xoxo for eternity, darling.
Never thought I would consider a diaper to be "cute," but hey, I'm now a mother.
And I can hardly wrap my mind around that fact. During these last 26 days, my heart has felt the biggest mixture of emotions yet of its young life. Giving birth to Olivia - the grand finale of her gaining a body - was the hardest test of my physical strength that I have yet endured, and it was the most elevating, sweet experience that my spirit has yet felt.
Then, after that fleeting moment of welcoming new life into the world, I really became "mother" and the nurturing began. Day-by-day I have felt more and more that caring for my daughter's tiny body which houses her very big spirit is an honorable work. And yet, day-by-day, I have realized that this job is work. By "work" I don't mean that it's super hard to change eight diapers a day, or that laundering newborn clothes and burp cloths all week long is just so hard, because it's not. Thus far I have learned that the hard work of motherhood lies within the constant, endless, infinite demand to love.
That is the irony I've discovered in my short 26 days as mother: it is so easy to love your child incredibly much - I love Olivia to the point of bursting! - and yet that kind of all-encompassing, selfless, constant love has to be refueled. So the effort it takes to keep that unique type of love is the hard work. I pray for this love daily, and then I have to choose to be motivated by this love daily, because I have learned it really doesn't come to me that naturally. Mother Jeni is not always oh so patient, happy, and positive. Nope, not at all. I've cried just as many tears of frustration as I have tears of joy about all of this. But in the attempts I am making to meet my new demands with love, something beautiful is happening. My heart is changing for the better, and I am becoming (cannot emphasize the "becoming" part enough!) more like my sweetest Olivia: submissive, meek, willing to be taught, accepting of help, and eager to love without reserve.
Isn't she lovely?...just a few pictures from today on a whim - she was too darling after her diaper change to not capture.
Yes, and my heart bursts for her more today than it did yesterday, and its capacity to perfectly love tomorrow will be even greater. I just know it.
Thank you, angel daughter, for helping me learn how to be a much better wife, sister, daughter, and friend by letting me be your mother.
xoxo for eternity, darling.
Very insightful Mrs. A :-) I have found marriage to be the same kind of challenge for me -- to love as consistently as possible. It is indeed WORK. But not in the grueling way, as you described. More in the this-is-stretching-me-and-sometimes-it's-uncomfortable-but-I-hope-I'm-becomming-better-because-of-it kind of way.
ReplyDeleteYour baby is beautiful. Thanks for sharing! Glad you're doing well.